Top Ten Beauty Tips

Natural Nails

2007-12-28T06:09:00.001-08:00

Tips to Keep Your Nails Strong and Sexy
by Kathryn D'Imperio
When you write down your shopping list, as you punch a phone number into your cell, while you wash dishes, do the ironing, clean the windows, or do one hundred other things that women do on any given day – do you take notice of the condition of your nails?
Our hands are such an integral part of our daily lives, and constantly, we risk their health and strength, often without even noticing, because of the hustle and bustle of our day-to-day activities. Take a few moments each day, or at least a few times a week, to monitor the condition of your nails – the color, the texture, the appearance of ridges or white marks.
Make a greater effort to take good care of your nails, and you will be thrilled with the way they complement your wardrobe and your own personal style. Consider the following tips as a way to enhance the health and quality of your nails.
Great, Healthy Nails
Apply speed-dry nail polish when time is of the essence.
Drink lots of water. Keep your body hydrated everyday to maintain healthy nails.
Fortify your diet with FDA approved vitamins or supplements. Your fingernails count on you to be responsible with your health and your diet. Unless instructed otherwise by your physician, increase your daily doses of Vitamin A, Vitamin C, calcium, folic acid, protein, Vitamin B12, and zinc.
Touch up your manicure on a daily basis to prevent chips and cracks.
Your nails depend on you to maintain a healthy diet. Take in lots.
Nail polish tips:
Finish with a clear topcoat to add gloss and sheen.
Start with a base coat to strengthen and protect the nails.
Store nail polish in the refrigerator to maintain a smooth consistency.
Try not to store nail polish in a room that becomes cold. The nail polish bottles may break without warning, leaving you with a big mess.
To avoid breaking nails or brittle nails:
Avoid using your nails as tools. This means no picking, scratching, digging, pinching, etc. You know who you are!
Increase the amount of calcium in your diet.
Use products containing alcohol, especially perfumed lotions, sparingly. These items can make nails prone to breaking.
Wear rubber gloves when you do chores that involve continual submersion in water or contact with harsh detergents or chemicals.

Beautiful Nails Made Easy

2007-12-28T06:02:00.000-08:00

Beautiful Nails Made Easy By Linda Buttle
Everyone wants nails to be proud of so if yours are less than perfect here are a few quick tips to get them in great condition in no time. Stunning nails
Apply nail varnish remover before doing your nails even if don’t need to remove any old polish, it prepares the nails by removing any grease so that your polish will last longer
If you’re having trouble achieving the perfect French Manicure try using a white nail pencil underneath the nail tip instead of white polish you’ll find it’s much easier
Give your nail varnish plenty of time for each layer to dry to ensure a lasting finish. If you’re likely to get impatient waiting around opt for a quick drying formula like Lancome Vernis Instant Magnetic or L’Oreal Jet Set
Always wipe the top of the nail varnish bottle with a cotton bud to get rid of any excess polish, this will prevent the bottle from becoming glued shut
Lots of beauty companies have nail polishes available with matching lip colour for whose seeking a totally co-ordinated look, ask at your local beauty counter
Remember it’s much better to apply lots of thin coats of colour rather that one thick one, it will dry quicker and last longer
Try not to remove and reapply polish more than once or twice a week, as it will dry out your nails. Choosing a remover with built in moisturisers will help limit the damage
A hand massage will boost your circulation and encourage nail growth and is the perfect way to pamper yourself.
Linda Buttle is a freelance journalist specialising in beauty, health and fitness for both magazines and websites. She is currently available for commissions.

How To Create Beautiful Smoky Cat Eyes

2007-12-28T05:48:00.000-08:00

How To Create Beautiful Smoky Cat Eyes By Joanne Elliott
It is easier than you might think to create professional looking, ‘sex kitten’, smoky eyes like Keira Knightley. This vampy look can be as subtle or dramatic as you wish. The tips below will create a more powerful look in black, but to achieve a more understated look simply select light grey, burgundy or dark khakis instead. Remember, a lot depends on your skin tone and hair color - see blonde to brunette, so why not try a few different tones to see which suits you best?
Ingredients for powerfully sexy eye makeup:
* Black eyeliner - pencil. Ensure that it is sharp. * Black eyeliner - brush. The thinner the liquid eyeliner is the better. * Eye shadow brush. Thin stumpy bristles are best to maintain control. * Dark eye shadow. Irridescent rather than flat matt (too hard), or shiny (too messy). * Highlight shimmer for under the eyebrow. Avoid garish looking ‘high glitter’. * A good eyebrow pencil. Try to select the most natural shade for you as possible. * Eyelash curlers - see Jessica Alba. * Black mascara. Obviously choose a quality brand to avoid clumping and ‘spider eyes’.
Step-by-step instructions for smoky cat eyes like Keira Knightley:
Apply your foundation, under eye concealer and powder.
Using your black eyeliner pencil, start from the front corner of your eyelid. Draw a soft smudge line to the end of your lash line.
Use your eyeshadow brush to apply the dark eye shadow over the top of the smudged line for a soft smoky look. Ensure that the edges are neatly blended.
Then take the brush eyeliner and apply as close to your lashes as you can on the top lid only. Make the line as thick and pronounced as you wish, but make sure that the line is thickest at the outer corner, and thinner as you go inward.
Apply another smoky coat of eye shadow with the brush to blend the harsh edges.
Subtly blend your darker eye shadow up from your lashes to your eye crease. Then apply a shimmery highlight in white or cream under the outside corner of your eyebrow.
Use your eyebrow pencil to make your eyebrow curve more pronounced.
Curl your eyelashes, then apply thin coats of mascara, building the layers up gradually to avoid clumping.
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Congratualations! You have achieved guaranteed show stopping impact! You go girl!

Flutter Your Eyelashes

2007-12-28T05:36:00.000-08:00

By Anna Lynn Sibal
The eyelashes are not just strands of hair that rim our eyelids. They are gifts that Mother Nature gave us to protect and shield our eyes from dust and other foreign bodies. And because we communicate a lot with our eyes, our eyelashes help us put color and meaning to our words with the way we flutter and bat our eyelashes.
It would be infinitely nicer and infinitely more effective, though, if the lashes that we bat and flutter look long, thick and immaculate. We do not have to be born with long and thick eyelashes to be able to have seductive-looking eyes, though. After all, what is makeup for? All it takes is the touch of the magical mascara wand.
Mascara does magic for our lashes as long as it is correctly applied, in such a way that there are no globs of the stuff clinging to our lashes and that each strand is separated from the other. Nothing ruins the effect of mascara than globs and lash strands clumped together.
To avoid dried globs and clumping strands, apply the mascara to the base of the lashes with the mascara wand and then give the wand a wiggle. Afterwards, carefully brush the mascara to the ends of the lashes with the use of a lash comb. Or if you do not want to use a lash comb, just wipe the excess mascara from your wand with a piece of tissue before touching it to your lashes.
Another thing that makes mascara look ugly is if it smudges. Sometimes, the smudge happens because the eye cream or the concealer used is oil-based and still wet. You can prevent the smudging by applying powder first onto your lower eyelids before putting on the mascara. Also, try not to blink while putting the mascara on, or else it will definitely stick to your eyelids rather than to your lashes.
Sometimes, a second coat of mascara makes the lashes look thicker. But if you are thinking of applying a second coat, better do it before the first coat dries, or else you will only end up clumping the lashes. Also, do use your lash curlers before putting on your mascara, not after. Lash curlers work more effectively if preheated prior to the curling. Be careful not to heat your curlers too much, though, or else you will singe your eyes.
When applying mascara, we tend to miss the lashes at the corners of our eyes. To make sure that you have your lashes fully covered, it is best that you use a mascara wand that is short and thin. Short and wands let you reach those corner lashes; it also gives you extra control in handling it.
The best mascara results come from using clean wands, so keep your wands clean at all times. Put some makeup remover on your mascara wand to wash off the dried mascara, and then clean it with soap and water. Let the wand dry first before replacing it with your other makeup tools. A clean and dry wand not only maximizes the application and appearance of mascara on the eyes, but also prevents the eyes from getting irritated.

Fill In Your Brows

2007-12-28T05:33:00.000-08:00

Filling In Your Eyebrows
The trick to full brows is to come clean, then fill in the blanks. Waxing director Eliza Petrescu of Avon Salon & Spa explains it for us:
* Choose a pencil and powder in the correct shade. Women with fair complexions should use a blonde shade, those with olive tones should go tawny or brown, and those with with African-American skin should use gray.
* Brush brows downward with a dry, mascara-like wand. To define the arch, use the pencil to draw a line along the upper edge of the brow. Comb the brows upward and outward.
* For added fullness, dust eye shadow into the hairs of the brow with a stiff, slanted brush. Dip the brush into a tiny amount of powder and use short, gentle strokes while applying.
* If brows have been severely overtweezed, brush the hairs in the direction of the growth, and fill in any visible patches with powder. Avoid adding to the top or bottom of the brows.
* Comb a clear brow gel up through the brows to set hairs in place.

Tweeze Your Brows

2007-12-28T05:21:00.000-08:00

Which Tweezer?
Thin Tip: Good for grasping small, fine hairs, and plucking ingrown hair. Slanted Tip: Gives maximum control. Square Tip: Best used for removing coarse hairs or several hairs at a time.
1. Tweeze immediately after showering or apply a hot washcloth to loosen hair follicles.

2.Hold a pencil vertically along the side of the nose. Eyebrow should start at outside edge if pencil - Anastasia Soare eyebrow queen. Hint: Leaving a bit more space will widen close-set eyes.

3.Hold pencil to outside of eye. This is where the eyebrow of a bombshell should end.

4.Smooth brows with a little moisturizer to help hairs slide out - turn back the clock.

5.Brush brows up to find a natural arch.

6. Draw in the desired shape beforehand with a soft eye shadow pencil - Keira Knightley smokey eyes. Hint: Don't use an eyeliner pencil. It will cause you to pluck too much.

7.Tweeze under the brow first, plucking in the direction of the growth. Hint: If your plucking becomes too painful, apply a little anbesol (yes, that pain reliever for teeth also numbs the brows)

8.Using an eyelash comb, comb brows upwards and trim any hairs that extend beyond the natural top or brow bone. Glamorous lashes.

9.After tweezing, soothe the area with cool, wet tea bags.

Eyebrow Waxing

2007-12-28T05:13:00.000-08:00

By Joanne Elliott
Unless you have very sensitive skin, waxing is a quick and relatively easy alternative to plucking your eyebrows. Although it is generally best to get eyebrows waxed professionally it can be expensive - up to around $15 as a general rule, although salons do differ. If you have a tighter budget, or if you are feeling fairly brave, here are some simple steps for you to try at home...
1) Preparing the Eyebrow
Brush the eyebrow into place with a baby toothbrush or clean mascara wand, so that their natural shape is neatly defined. Next, apply an astringent such as witch hazel to anesthetize the sensitive skin under the brow. Work out your natural brow shape by standing several feet away from a mirror, and following these simple steps…
Working out the length of the eyebrow
Hold a ruler parallel to your nose, and level with the inner corner of the eye, to work out where the brow should begin. If your eyes are close together, make the gap between the brows wider. If your eyes are far apart, don’t wax the start line of the brow too much so that they are closer together. Mark the correct point with a dot.
Working out the curve of the eyebrow
You can work out where the highest point of the curve/ arch should be by holding a ruler from the edge of the nostril past the outer edge of the iris (the colored part of the eye) and up to the eyebrow. Mark the spot with a dot.
Final planning
Now link up the dots in a gentle arch to draw on the ideal shape of the eyebrow that you want to achieve. This will give you a guideline to go by when applying the wax. You should aim for a smooth arched brow that tapers slightly at the outer ends.
2) Applying the Wax
Buy a professional waxing kit - basically a jar or tub of wax which can be warmed up in boiling water and applied with a small applicator or spatula, and (usually muslin) removal strips. Each product varies slightly, so be sure to read the manufacturers directions carefully.
Warm up the wax to optimum temperature and use the small spatula to apply a thin layer of wax to the growth. Make sure that you only use a small amount of wax on the spatula to avoid the wax dripping when it is applied. Apply wax with the hair growth under the eyebrow, (i.e. in the same direction that the hair grows in). You don’t need to use much, and you should not let the wax dry.
3) Removing the Hair
This is the painful bit! Ouch!!
Never wax above the eyebrow, only ever shape from below. Waxing from under the brow will widen your eyes and help to get the line even. This will make you look younger and much more glamorous if done correctly! As soon as it is applied remove the wax against the hair growth, (i.e. in the opposite direction that the hair grows in). This is done by gently smoothing a piece of cotton muslin over the waxed area, pulling the skin taut with one hand, and pulling the muslin off with the other.
It is a good idea to take a little hair off at a time, especially if you have fairly this growth. You will be surprised how much difference a little hair removal will make to your appearance.
4) The Aftermath
Any straggly hairs left over after waxing can be easily plucked out using a set of good tweezers. Apply a soothing balm like tea tree oil onto the area afterwards. You should avoid direct sunlight, acid based facial treatments, and liquid makeup for several hours.
To give the gorgeous new eyebrow shape emphasis, use an eyebrow pencil or tinted brow shadow to subtly fill in any gaps, and even out the natural color tone. Don’t worry if you make mistakes, even if you have bald patches or empty spaces. Practice makes perfect, and anyway, the hair will have grown back before you know it!!

Top Ten Hair Drying Tips

2007-12-18T06:37:00.000-08:00

Hair drying through rough rubbing with a towel when the hair is wet can cause damage, especially if it is already fragile.
Here are ten important hair drying tips to ensure your hair is kept in good condition despite the toll everyday wear and tear can have:
Hair Drying Tip: Naturally
1. While this may not be possible for everyone, especially if there is a rush to get out in the morning, allowing the hair to dry naturally is the best hair drying method you can adopt. This helps the hair retain moisture and allow it to curl naturally if that is its characteristic or make long straight hair sleek.
2. If your hair is curly, short or spiky, use your fingers to dry the hair which will help the hair stand up more than using a comb or brush.
3. Do not vigorously rub wet hair with a towel. Use a dabbing or patting action to absorb most of the moisture.
Hair Drying Tip: Using A Blow Dryer
4. Invest in a good quality hair dryer that has high power but a lightweight design. You will find it much easier to hold the hair dryer above your head for longer periods. Although you may not use the high power extensively, the capacity will give you a range of settings for hot, medium and cool.
5. Hair drying with the head upside down can give your hair lift and body.
6. Be sure to direct the flow of hot air in the direction of the hair to avoid disturbing the hair cuticle.
7. Do not have the blow drier on a setting higher than you really need and as the hair dries reduce the level of the setting.
8. Either keep your head moving or the hair dryer moving to avoid heat damage. Do not direct the hair dryer directly at the scalp.
9. If you have curly hair use the diffuser attachment. This will spread the air so the curls are not under a direct jet which will straighten them out.
10. Do not start to use a brush until the hair has dried sufficiently or is damp rather than wet. The pulling by a hair brush when hair is wet can really damage it.
Note on hairdryers: Ionic and Tourmaline hair dryers are now available. They produce negative ions which causes the hair to dry more quickly, thus reducing the risk of heat damage.
Additionally, these technologically advanced hair drying tools can add shine and sheen to your hair. See resource box below for a wide selection and product information.

Top Ten Tips for Beautiful Skin

2007-12-18T06:28:00.001-08:00

Is Beauty Skin Deep?
The answer is yes and no. It's a paradox, isn't it? True beauty begins from the inside out. Don't you wish there was some way to "wriggle your nose" and regain that soft skin you had as a child? Well, until someone comes up with the true "Fountain of Youth" we are stuck with what we have.
The best route to healthy skin is to take care of what you have. Sounds simple, doesn't it? The truth is that your skin takes a beating from the environment every single day. Here are some of our favorite tips for keeping your skin fresh and healthy:
1. Stay hydrated and do it with plenty of water! That doesn't mean soda, caffeine or any other type of liquid even if it is low cal. Soda (even diet soda) has a high concentration of sodium. Sodium retains fluids. You need fluid that will hydrate and flush your body free of toxins. Make sure you are drinking at least 8 glasses a day!
2. Protect your skin from harmful ultra violet (UV) rays. We all love the sun. We love being in it and we love having a beautiful tan. The truth is you can poison yourself with too much sunshine. UV rays cause skin cancer and if that isn't bad enough it causes your skin to age faster than it should contributing to unsightly wrinkles. If you must play in the sun, make certain you are using an adequate sun screen. Don't leave home without it!
3. Apply your sun screen even if you only make a quick trip to the grocery store. Yes, you can get harmful UV rays even while driving your car!
4. Keep your skin clean. Use a soft warm cloth. Skin does not require scrubbing. You will do more harm than good if you do.
5. Exfoliate dead skin cells every night.
6. Create your own facial masks. Here are a couple of excellent masks that you can create with ingredients right from your kitchen: Oatmeal mask: Mix oatmeal with skim milk and apply. Eggs: A raw egg yolk makes an excellent face mask. Try adding a little honey to the egg yolk for a change of pace. Mayonnaise makes another terrific face mask and will leave your skin feeling very soft
7. Use an antioxidant cream. You are bombarded every day with environmental toxins that attack the surface of your skin. In fact most damage to the skin can be attributed to free radicals. When you expose yourself to toxins like air pollution free radical production increases. Apply an antioxidant cream to your skin before applying your sun screen.
8. The best cure for wrinkles is to never have them in the first place! If you are like most of us, you didn't listen to your Mum when she tried to tell you to stay in the shade, stand up straight and stop squinting!
9. Stop shaving your legs and use hot wax. Much gentler on your skin.
10. Mix up a tablespoon of brandy along with a smashed up peach and apply to your face for twenty minutes then rinse. Makes for a great summer facial.

My Ten Top Beauty Tips For Eyes

2007-12-18T06:10:00.000-08:00

The eyes are the part of the face we notice first. This is why it's important to make sure that your eyes look their best when attending to your makeup and care routine. Following are some great beauty tips for your eyes, no matter who you are.

Healthy eyes are beautiful eyes. If your eyes are swollen, red, or otherwise unhealthy, no amount of makeup is going to disguise this fact. If you wear contact lenses, make sure that you attend to all the care instructions for them. Also, protect your eyes by using cosmetics with sunscreen included.

When putting on eye makeup, make sure it goes with the rest of your look. Too many women forget that while the eyes are important, they must be in harmony with the rest of the face. Choose eye makeup that goes with what you're wearing, and with the look you choose on the rest of your face. Don't let your features go to war with each other to be the most prominent – you'll have to choose whether you want the focus to be on your lips or eyes, for instance. Overdoing it can just look garish.

Lay a good base. A layer of foundation on your eyelids will help smooth out imperfections and help your eye shadow and liner look their best.

Choose a color theme. This doesn't meant that you have to use a monochrome scheme for your eye makeup, but it does mean that it's a good idea to keep an idea of color harmony in mind as you apply your makeup. The colors that will work best for you depend on your skin tone.

Pay attention to your eye shape. What works on one person won't necessarily look good on another. Figuring out what shape and set your eyes are can go a long way to helping you get the right look.

Select quality cosmetics. It really matters whether or not your makeup is high quality. Don't let your tools work against you just because you can get a cheaper brand. You'll never achieve the same looks you can with a better brand.

Use specialized cleansers to remove your makeup. Soap and water are harsh and can irritate the eyes. Specially formulated eye cleansers are gentle, but made to remove old cosmetics.

Use darker, more heavily made up looks at night. Daytime requires a more natural look. Apply mascara on the tips of the lashes only, and save the liquid liner for evenings. Harsh makeup in daylight can look overdone or silly.

Soften over-prominent eyes. Just because the eyes are the first thing we pay attention to doesn't meant that they must be the focus of every look. If you feel that your eyes are too prominent, apply medium shadow and don't use highlights. This will make them appear deeper-set.

Keep up to date on the latest looks. If you've been doing your eyes the same way for years, you can look dated without knowing it. Pay attention to what other people are wearing as well as the latest makeup styles, and form a look that's your own.

Top Ten Beauty Tips, By: Carol Clinton, MD

2007-11-26T02:10:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Beauty Tips

There are many ways to maximize health and beauty, with a minimal amount of work.

Buy a pedometer. Studies demonstrated by walking 10,000 steps per day, your health and fitness will improve. This will give you motivation to park further away from a store or take the stairs instead of an elevator. You’ll know where you stand and can make incremental changes to reach the goal of 10,000 steps per day.
Wear sunscreen. A new product, approved by the FDA, provides the broadest span UVA (cause of premature aging and skin cancer) and UVB (cuases burn) sun protection. Currently it is sold exclusively by La Roche Posay under the name Anthelios Cream (SPF from 20-50+). Additionally, the sunblock, titanium is included in this product.
Protect your hair from salt, chlorine, and the sun by spraying your hair with a mixture of water and conditioner, before getting into the water, or heading out into the sun.
Keep fresh fruits and vegetables at your fingertips in the kitchen. This allows for quick snacks on healthy food, instead of reaching for a bag of chips or a few cookies
Get rid of unwanted hair. This can include the bikini area, the back, ears, underarms, and legs. This can be accomplished with advanced laser and light therapy. A series of treatments are generally required. And, while you are there you can ask about other laser skin applications to get rid of unwanted sun spots and spider veins!
Have your brows and lashes dyed. This is done on a monthly basis and will keep you from using your brow pencil or mascara. Be active without worrying about a black streak under your eyes, leaving you looking like a football player, instead of a goddess!
Get a pedicure. Summer time just begs for an attractive pair of feet!
Plan your weekday meals on a Sunday. Leave the rest of the week to enjoy eating those meals, leaving you with consuming 1/3 less calories than if you picked up a quick meal while you are out.
When spending time outside, remember this sun safety tips. Stay in the shade from 10am-2pm. Cover up when in the sun. Wear a wide brimmed hat and be sure to be liberal and frequent with sunscreen. Use moisturizers with Vitamin C in them if in the sun, as it will protect your skin from the aging effects of the sun.
Take 10 minutes a day and spend in quiet time. Turn off the radio, TV, and telephone. Try to quiet your mind and you’ll be surprised at the deep relaxation this small time of inactivity will bring!

Scientific Skincare Advisor for Boots

2007-11-26T01:48:00.000-08:00

Scientific Skincare Advisor for Boots, Steve Barton shares his own ten top tips for beautiful skin...

Don't sunbathe or use a sun-bed - you'll regret it when you are older!
Use the right regime to suit your skin type - generally the older you are the more complex the routine and the richer the product.
Follow the golden rule and cleanse in you teens, moisturise in your twenties, exfoliate in your thirties and night cream in your forties.
Start a beauty regime now - the earlier you start the easier it is to maintain.
Choose a regime which reflects your life-style. For example, if you spend a lot of time outside be sure you always use UV protective moisturiser.
K.I.S.S. (keep it simple stupid) - you don't need to pile on all your beauty products every day, there's a time and place for everything.
Don't smoke - even if cancer doesn't worry you - wrinkles result from smoking too (especially around the lip line).
Avoid very hot water when washing your face - the blood vessels will eventually stop trying to keep pace with the change and you skin's natural lipids will get washed away more easily.
Exercise your facial muscles regularly by smiling - you'll also look more attractive.
Believe in yourself.

Kitty62's Top Ten Beauty Tips

2007-11-25T07:01:00.000-08:00

Get your object of affection drunk (but not too drunk, if you know what I mean) Just enough to blur the edges a little. And while you're at it, get yourself tanked up, too. Why should he have all the fun?

Your stomach looks flatter when you're lying down. Standing up, you might look like the Fig Newton, but when you lie down, you have abs of steel. And by the time they get you lying down, they don't care what you look like anymore, anyway.

2 words - Heroin Chic. In Philadelphia, a bag of heroin costs less than a tube of Clinique lipstick, and it lasts longer (at first). And there's no more dieting, because there's no more eating. You'll look like a Calvin Klein supermodel. After a little while, it won't matter, anyway. Nothing will.

Never, ever compare yourself to other women. Once, while fishing for compliments, I sighed and said, "I wish I looked like Natalie Wood." "So do I," answered my man, wistfully, "So do I."

Invest in a figure-flaw concealing full body tattoo. They're all the rage. I don't mean a little tit butterfly or a demure ankle bracelet. I'm talking a full color Our Lady of Guadalupe, in a grotto -- front, back, and sides. No one will be able to see your cellulite through all those vines and lilies.

Go up to your desired one, sniffle, and say, "My cat (bird, dog, hamster, etc.) died. Hold me." Men can never resist this one. Note that it doesn't work if it's actually true, because you'll be too distraught. Also, be careful about getting caught. While he's "comforting" you on the couch because "your cat died", make sure Fluffy doesn't decide to saunter into the room, or you'll have to shriek, "Oh look! I got another cat! It has feline leukemia. Hold me."

Worried about looking good on the beach? Summer is the season to go Goth. Go down the shore dressed as Lily Munster. Long-sleeved black dress, velvet cape, veil, black tights, the works. Yes, you'll be uncomfortable, but won't you be more uncomfortable shaving your pube into a mohawk, picking sand out of your crack, and having lounge chair weave permanently embossed on the backs of your thighs?

They light your cigarette. They laugh at your jokes. They tell you you're pretty. They notice your new dress. In the words of Edith Massey, "Why doncha find yourself a nice homosexual and settle down." Sure, that muscle-bound he-man looks awful cute bending over that carburetor, but will he giggle with you over Tori Spelling's botched boob job? Can he recite scenes from "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane"? I think not.

Use your flaws. Developing a neck wattle? Re-name yourself Turkey Girl and greet people with a hearty "gobble gobble!" Have a harelip? Paint on a giant red clown mouth. You'll look just like Juliette Lewis. People will think you're interesting.

Above all, always remember to be yourself. And if that fails, wear a Wonderbra and pretend you're French.